Happy Chinese New Year!

Happy CNY everybodaaaayyy!
Have a prosperous year of the horse!
got much angpao yet? XD
don't act too innocent, i know mostly of Chinese youngsters are awaits the CNY for those red envelopes XD (me too btw! hahahaha)

to me CNY are more important than new year, maybe because my family are still holding the Chinese tradition strictly. even we're not buddhist, and we're not going to the temples. but we're still visiting the elders, not to asked for angpao ofcourse, but to show our respect and gratitude towards them.

and in my family CNY is like a chance to hang around with our entire family, which I sometimes don't even know that they're my relatives! 
I always asked (secretly) to my sisters and mom, "what should I call him/her?" lol


I learned that those chinese zodiacs given effects to the weather (i'm sorry if i'm wrong, I told this by my auntie)
She said because last year is the year of snake, and Snake known by like the water so much, there was flood everywhere. And this year because its Horse, and Horse are known to afraid of water, there won't be too much flood/rain this year. I don't know if it's true or not, but i do hope so! I really hate flood. 


Hoping for the best year ahead, and i really really hope I won't lost anything ever again.
The year of snake was really painful because I lost so so soooo many things, many precious things.

Happy Chinese new year once again! 

just some another story :)

I'm just a regular-girl type. I love hangout, shopping, gossiping with my girlfriends...
Even i prove that i'm the naive one. (not trying to say all girls are naive, but i'm one of the naive girl)
just like those regular-naive-girl, I want a prince-alike-boyfriend.
The one that will bring me flowers everytime he came to my house, rich, handsome, have a great-built-body. nah, that's just a typical dream of every girls right?
Some people may call it silly, i agreed.
What do i offers anyway?


There this story goes.... (playlist for this story, Yiruma-Dream)

I experienced my first love in elementary school, to a boy i've known since kindergarten.
Funny because he knows me since kindergarten and haven't forgotten me since, even tho he wasn't like me that time, but he do remember me as a friend from our swimming course.
And i do forgot.
The first time he called me when i'm about to go to toilet or else. He called my name and i was like "huh, who are you?"
He said things like we used to be in swimming course together, blablabla.
I was shy that time, it's unusual to have a boy talked to me (we're just 4th grader that time!)
and as he goes by, i put interest in him (even i already forgot his name that time), but never meet him since.

We're passed to 5th grade. And funny thing happens again, turns out we're in the same classroom this time. Even the teacher decided we have to sit together.
I'm talkative, but not that talkative to a person i never even been closed with.
we're not talking that much, but i learned he's somewhat a very neat and clever person, which a total opposite of me.
We sat together for a week by not talking too much. it's usual to have a boy-girl relationship is some like of forbidden in elementary school. We're too young and foolish. haha

2 days we're not met each other (weekend), we met again and have some new stories from our weekend. Just as i sit and put my bag, we shared many things, talked, and laughed. i remember we used to have some kind of "Renungan Pagi" and we stole time to chat with each other. Giggled.
After that our teacher got angry and separated us. And i really feel bad. 
I just about to know more about this boy!
Many things happens.... and I feel that first love. Even i'm not his. (he likes another girl that time, a girl that total opposite of me, sweet, shy, feminine-type)
I remember i've prayed to God.
"God i want him to be mine, please please pretty please" some kind like that. I'm that silly, I know...


Then we grow up more, and move to same Junior High School.
We had relationship once that time, in 7th grade if i'm not wrong.
And things got real awkward, I know we love and comfort with each other. But maybe we're just too young. We can't play and jokes around like usual. Then we decided to break up after a short time relationship (about 1 week i guess)


We had once again a relationship at High School. It's kind of "serious" one.
About 1 year and 3 months. And things happens, and I decide to broke up with him.
I thought that time, "he's not the one. I want someone who can make me happy" simply, I want that prince-alike boyfriend.
That rich, going everywhere with a car, eat lunch and dinner in fancy restaurants, etc.



And finally we moved on, or I thought "we" moved on. In any case, its just me that moving on, or trying to.
I met many guys, I dated them, even just a casual ones. And back off once things get even more serious. I never taste those crazy feelings like a butterfly on my stomach when they talked to me, that puts me to think, "have i lost my ability to love?"
I liked those guys, but I wasn't in love. And that's why I don't want to have relationship with them. I want to find ANY OTHER ONES.
Yes, i'm a total bitch, even my best friend said so -_____-



Years passed, and one day he offers me to love again.
I'm surprised, distracted, confused, and any else that I wasn't think I would fee. But my best girlfriend said so, she even brings me to shopping in the day where she could date her new boyfriend.
She said I looked real confused and lost, and I pretend i wasn't.
It hurts me so bad that I thought I couldn't accept his feeling, and tried to runaway.
But then I said it to him and we moved on, or I thought again..."we".
Its just me.  Again.


By some thing happened. I realized...
All this time I haven't moved on.
I find any other guys and still couldn't feel anything. Because I do still have feeling for him, my very first love.
"First love isn't the first guy/girl you dated, it's the first feeling for someone. The first special feeling, that goes...'ah, you're the one I looking for all this time"


Maybe it's already late, or maybe it's not.
But I believe, love will always find the way.
And I finally realized my own feeling
:)

Rest in Peace, my little sunshine

4 days ago .... 

when i got my latest final exam and rushed home because I really really want to play with chichi and my other dogs.
i was soaked wet because of rain, but i ran and went looking for her.
i called her repeatedly, "Chichi...Chichi..." as usual. i looking in every her hiding spot. 
behind the abandoned door, near the wash machine.... i look everywhere and i don't find her.


i asked my mom, where is her?
she said, "she's already dead" with inexplicable look on her face.



i shocked and got speechless. "dead? how?"
she was cheerful yesterday, i even could play with her the day before and cuddled her, and then she's going to get groomed.


my mom explained.....
in the morning Chichi already looked weird, she wasn't touched her food. she looks tired..
but my mom is too busy and she's off to my nephew's school.
later when she got home, in the afternoon....
Chichi already dead. looked she was thrown up many times before.



i'm speechless that time, i went upstairs to my room and crying hardly.
i cried for almost 5hours. many condolences messages coming for me, from my friends. 
my closest friends even shocked.
but nothing could cheered me up.


its already 4 days. and i'm still crying just because reminds of it.
my tears fell down as i writing this post.
i miss her so much. i want her back. i kept hearing her barks.


when i got home she looked so happy, she jumped and running around and barking.
and when i got home now i feel empty.
chichi would never ever welcome me back again.


i spent 6 years of my life with her.
its long enough to love someone deeply right?
i still remember when she got sick of parvo and doctor said she only have 40% chances to live, i cried and prayed all night long. and in the morning we got call from doctor she survived!
and we picked her, and she looks soo happyyy like nothing happened to her.
it was the happiest moment of my life.....


now she's gone. and no matter how hard i cried... no matter how hard i prayed....
she would never come back.

 

to you my twinkle star ...

thank you ...
for bringing the happiness and joy in every days...

thank you ...
for teaching me to become responsible ....

thank you ...
for your unconditionally love...

thank you ...
for your contagious cheerfulness

thank you ...
for always beside me even when i'm happy or sad

sorry ...
for not being the best person...the best friend...

sorry...
for not always beside you even in your last minute

sorry...
for everything i've done.... for every irresponsible actions i did...

sorry...
for being late to gave you food...


sorry....
for everything...

but you know.... i always always always loves you. i love you to the moon and back.
i love you more than anything.

you'll always be remembered...


Rest in Peace, my little sunshine

broken hearted

well, life has its ups and downs.
yesterday we're happy, today we're mourn.
even 1 minute ago we're smiled, and now we're crying.
life is TOO unpredictable by its seconds.

i just broken hearted.... my phone, my precious and dearest phone....broken just like that.
i don't know really what makes it broken suddenly.
because i left it on my room to meet my friend who came to my house, for maybe 3 hours or more.
i back to my room, and its already dead, i thought maybe the battery is just drained.
i charged it and waited until its full enough for me to turn it on again.
and... it can no longer recognized my sim card, and later my SD card.
seriously what happened to you, dear TT TT TT TT TT TT

i don't feel of getting a new phone
because 3-4 months ago i just lost my other phone.
and my mom bought me new one.
and now my precious phone broken and it cost me sooo much to fix it.
i don't even know should i fix it or not, since it could broken again anyhow.

its just tooooo sadddd TT
i played with it almost every minute, i use that phone to open instagram, twitter, fb, to listen to music, to play games... and its broken... TT

life teached a lesson

i'm not type of caring person..
its like i'm born like that. joking.

i've go through difficulties in elementary school.
i don't really have friends.
i once have best friends. persons that you talked to everyday inside and outside the classroom, when you reached home you'll called them and talking continuosly about what happened today, visited their house on weekend. i once have kind of friends like that. and i thought, "i'll be happy if we're continue like this, and we'll grow old together, schooling our children in same school," etc.
yep i was such young and stupid.

things don't go well of course, this is life baby.

somehow they found new friends and forgot about me.
i wasn't come from very rich family. i would prefer to say my family are blessed with enough money.
i like to treat my friends, we're still in elementary school before, some of my 'best friend' even can't buy food / even mineral water on cafeteria. so i bought for them. my mom taught me to shared foods / money also to my friends who had less.
and later i found out they only like me because of my treats. that time i found out i cried. and now i only laughed on how stupid i am before.

i grew older... i found many friends comes and by. some are good, some are fake.
and i thought its useless to cares so much to other people.
not that i become cold to other people, like i can't smile at all. no.
its only i don't really care to other people, even i don't find its necessary to remember their names.


by many times goes by,
i grow cold at heart.
i don't care even if someone in front of me is struggling or need a help.
because, "seriously i don't even know you why should i help?"
did i really need to go to hospital? lol

then something happened. i guess in the beginning of my first semester in college.
i had my first homework of a studio class. and i want to do it the very best i can so i could start with a good marks.
i don't really remember what's the homework, but i need to print it out.
and... suddenly my printer broke. and that homework should be collected tomorrow, and the time i finished homework is already night.
i panicked like hell, i tried to print it out on nearest place i know and it already closed.
i asked my closest friend and she said her printer is broken as well.
then i tried to contact all of my classmates whose i already known (that time is really really not much, like only 5-6 persons and i have 80+ classmates)
i asked a girl from my class, and turns out she's willing to help! seriously!
i surprised since i don't want to do that to someone i barely known.
(that girl become one of my best friends now :), you maybe forget but i won't)

and i slowly changing my mind.
even i'm not completely change, my 'cold' heart melted by the warmth of people's heart around me.
i guess God wants to show me that there's still good people out there.
and its heartwarming to helping other people.
even sometimes i still don't really care about people, but i don't really care about their matters.
if they asked my help, i'll be glad to help them.

i've read a story.
its about the world's stupidest tourist.
the tourist is on a trip and because he was stupid, he's been cheated to whenever he went.
during that time all his money, clothes, accessories, were cheated away from him. but the tourist was simply too stupid so they just simply took his things with a simple "thankyou for your help"
in the end, he was completely naked and he starting feeling embarassed so he went out into a forest to hide, but in the forest he met demons.
the demons wanted to eat him, so they come up with a skillful plan to cheat him. of course the tourist fell for it, offered an arm and a leg. and the very end the tourist only had his head left.
he even gave his eyes to the last of the demons.
that demon told him, while eating his eyes. "thankyou very much. i have a present for you as well." but that was a lie too, the so-called present was just a note saying "idiot"
but the tourist was so touched that he cried at this. "thankyou! oh thankyou! this is the first time ever i getting a present. im so happy, thankyou so much!"
and tears just came endlessly out of his empty eye sockets. the tourist was left out in the wild where he silently died...

scary eh?
its not the scary or stupid part ive thought of,
the tourist was never thought of only himself. which is really rare in this world.
for me, he's not an idiot. he's a very loving person and caring, i don't want to be cheated easily like that. but i want to start to cares for other people and become a person that have heart


because God gives us heart so that we have love for someone, for anyone. a heart that always do the kind things. because i do.. always attracted to personality before the appearance. and i want to be person that have beauty on the inside

when...

when you really like someone
you'll be happy by seeing him happy.
even if its because of someone else.
you don't want to ruin his happiness.
because you like the sight of how sparks his eyes when he's smile.
because you know he will be like that only when he's with someone else.


and i realize how happy i am by how we were.

A Good Bye

내 마음이 아파도 입술은 저절로 웃게 되는 날
더 이상 너에게 사랑해 말할 수 없어지는 날

아무리 아파도 좋아 지금 이 순간만은 행복해

(헤어지는 날 - Super Junior)

i was wrote about Yesung's enlistment rumor, and it become true.
he's enlisting today. 2013, 5th of May.
he was enlisted very quietly, no one able to saw his face right before he entered the military base. even there's many many international ELF outside.
he already said, he can't bear with tears by saw ELF who supported him, he's afraid he cannot go with smile, so he decided to enlist quietly...and he kept his words.

some people said silence tears are the most hurtful.
i've been crying a lot without i realize, i feel there's an empty hole inside my heart.
i know crying won't help but tears just flowing, i can't help it. 
i've been suffered from a loss many times, but it's still hurts....
Yesung had something special that bewitched me since the beginning I've heard his voice through 'It Has To Be You', and his presence on 'It's You'.
he then own a special place in my heart.
he's just like a cloud... that come floating in my life. 
not to carry storms or rain, but he's adding colors to my sunset sky.
he's brighten and cheered my days. i'm so thankful i knew him in my life, and it's already 2 years since i become ELF.
whenever i feel down and sad, listen to his voices always help.
it won't be the same anymore since whenever i heard his voices i only want to cry.
i don't know until when but i hope i'll get stronger...
 
people said ELF must be strong, and release him with smile.
its only 2 years and he will be back, they said.
if i could be selfish for a moment, let me say...
i don't know how to look for Super Junior without him.
i don't know how to be strong, how to not cry by seeing him gone like that.
if i could be selfish, i really really don't want him to go.
Super Junior without him won't be the same for me, since he's the FIRST caught my heart.
let me be selfish for a day, wishing him to back in a blink of eye.

i will stay in this fandom until he's back.
but i will watch super show AFTER he's back. i can't watch super junior without him. i just can't.

i'm not trying to make a good post, this is just what i feel right now.